• Will

nobody ever became depraved all at once


Jan 2014


I was in the Alberg wellness centre “enjoying” a Norwegian dry heat sauna. I was sitting on one of end of my towel, my skin was bubbling, head down focusing on the droplets falling off my nose onto the other end of my towel under my feet. The silence helps me resist the temptation to escape before the pinch of sand dribbles into the bottom chamber, just a few grains to go … and then I heard them.


I don’t know if you know this but I am going to tell you …


“To maximise your bathing experience, please note that we are a coed nude sauna; entirely disrobing is required for sauna baths”.


The person in the reception of the wellness centre forcibly informs obvious first-time visitors. There is a large sign in three languages on the door to the mixed changing area. There are further signs on walls leading to the spa. It is impossible to get to a sauna without knowing for 100% certainty you will see naked people and you are also required to be nude.


My tranquillity was shattered by the high-pitched cackling from three British girls. I knew they were British, I just knew. And yup, sure enough, as they peered through the glass door, they screeched to each other in OMG straight out of Essex voices “everyone is naked”. They moved on to the next sauna, to be amazed, astonished, astounded, shocked, offended, bemused and stunned “OMG everyone is naked” they squealed again before going on to the next sauna.


I felt a deep and genuine compassion for these illiterate vestal virgins who had by happenchance and misfortune paid entry to a mixed nude spa. Disoriented and confused, they had undressed, wrapped themselves in two white towels, missed all the warning posters and wandered the spa corridors peeping through every glass door searching for the exit. Finally, lost and exhausted they chose to spend the rest of the afternoon in the saunas in a state of perpetual shock.


Two days later, after a great day snowboarding, I decided to blow the froth of a cold one. Just as foam touched my lips … I heard them.


My three beautiful Astrias**, my pure and innocent virgin Essex angels had accidentally wandered into MosserWirt, one of the wildest aprés ski bars in St Anton. I had to save them.


Music thumping, beer in hand, I jostled my way through the crowd and OMG, my surprise, my shock and horror, my bewilderment, my devastation, I was too late, they had fallen


I found them, drunk and dancing in front of a chanting congregation, flashing their titties for free Jæger shots. I was broken, so broken, I stayed for another three beers.


Conclusion. Nude saunas are the root of all kinds of depravity.



Nobody ever became depraved all at once, Juvenal, Roman poet, he of the “Give them bread and circuses and they will never revolt.” fame.

** Astria, the Greek goddess of purity


#pilgrim #austria #seasonaire



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